NOTE: I originally wrote this piece in 2017. I just discovered today that I never posted it to my blog. Apparently six years ago I was a bit of a prude. Not anymore. 🙂

True Story: In Which David goes in Search of Good Christian Sex
David R. Weiss, April 18, 2017

This is the truth, I swear.

So today I finished work a little early, and I thought to myself, maybe I have time to pick up Good Christian Sex* on my way home. I swung by the Mall of America (because my internet search told me I could find Good Christian Sex there). I was a little nervous, because even as I walked into the Barnes and Noble store, I had no idea where exactly to look for Good Christian Sex. (Is there an aisle for that?) Not to worry, because Allison (not her real name), a bright smiling sales associate, approached me and inquired in her most helpful tone, “What can I help you find today?”

“Well, this is going to get awkward real quick, but it won’t last long,” I replied. She looked mildly confused but entirely undaunted, “Okay, let’s get it over with then. What are you looking for?”

“I’m here looking for Good Christian Sex,” I stammered. Then added quickly, lest she mistake my intentions, “It’s a book.” (This was probably unnecessary since (a) I didn’t even know if she was Christian; (b) people are currently questioning my Christianity; and (c) I’m very happily married to Margaret. But just to be safe, I decided to make clarity my best friend.)

“Well, let’s just step over here—you stand right there.” She was pointing to my side of the info desk counter. After a short search of her own, she announced, “Found it! By McCleneghan. I see, an Irish author—that explains it.” I wasn’t sure what that explained, but when she came around and beckoned, “Just come with me. We should find Good Christian Sex right over here,” I followed with hopeful anticipation.

It was not so easy. We looked under M, which phonetically makes sense if you’re thinking about Good Christian Sex. “Mmmmmmmmmm,” I found myself thinking as I watched her fingers trace each spine, but there was no Good Christian Sex to be had among any of the M authors. Apparently a prudish lot.

Nevertheless, by now Allison was determined; she got out her phone, explaining, “I’m just going to call downstairs. It might be that we can find Good Christian Sex for you down in the basement.” I thought about that—and about the assorted many-legged critters in our basement. I was doubtful that any sex, Christian or otherwise, would be Good down there, but, keeping an open mind, I told myself to be willing to entertain all options.

Meanwhile I kept scanning the aisle. I could Have a New Sex Life by Friday, but that wasn’t quite what I was looking for. I saw Marry Him and Be Submissive, but it was too late for that; Margaret had—and then hadn’t. And anyway, I was really just looking for Good Christian Sex. But nope. Couldn’t find it, not even in the basement. Allison, who by now was relentless in her efforts to satisfy me, offered to order it. “No thanks.” It wasn’t just about immediate gratification, but, if I’m honest, there I was—in the aisle seeking Good Christian Sex, right now—and it just wasn’t going to happen today. Oh well.

And then, just as I was ready to let my hope expire—seriously, I am not making this up—Allison went to her knees. My eyes widened. “Oh my gosh,” (her words, not mine) she said beaming up at me, “Here’s your Good Christian Sex!” And sure enough there it was, lying sideways on the bottom shelf, as if hiding among the XYZ authors out of embarrassment.

And that was that. As we parted ways she smiled one last time, “I’m sure glad we didn’t give up!” “Me, too,” I replied—already replaying in my mind the almost surreal series of events that had just put Good Christian Sex in my hands.

When I got to the checkout, there was a bit of a line. So I had a moment to compose myself before needing to actually buy Good Christian Sex. Which made me feel immediately cheap, until I reminded myself that this transaction of Good Christian Sex would indeed be a business expense. Anyway, after a minute or two of waiting, another register opened up, and I heard, “I can take whoever’s next.” Allison’s voice.

Well, at least she already knew what I was buying. “And are you a Barnes and Noble member?” “Yes I am. I even have a coupon.” “Oh, you’re really getting lucky today!” I could have agreed, “Why, yes I am,” but Tuesdays are my long day. Juggling two jobs, I work straight through from 7:30 a.m. until 9:30 p.m. and I rarely have the energy left for any ‘getting lucky’ on a Tuesday!” but since she seemed so certain about my chances, I simply nodded. And, of course, you just never know …

My eyes were still twinkling with amusement as I left the store.

*Good Christian Sex: Why Chastity Isn’t the Only Option-And Other Things the Bible Says About Sex is by Bromleigh McClenaghan (HarperOne, 2016) is currently a popular book among campus ministry professionals. I picked it up today to read in preparation for a retreat I’ll be leading next year (2018).

DISCLAIMER: This is entirely a true tale! Except for finessing a bit of the dialogue (and not even all that much of that!) this was my experience earlier today. Wow. Just wow.

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David Weiss is a theologian, writer, poet and hymnist, “writing into the whirlwind” of contemporary challenges, joys, and sorrows around climate crisis, sexuality, justice, peace, and family. Reach him at drw59mn@gmail.com. Read more at www.davidrweiss.com where he blogs under the theme, “Full Frontal Faith: Erring on the Edge of Honest.” Support him in Writing into the Whirlwind at www.patreon.com/fullfrontalfaith.